The Shining
Everyone procrastinates. Regardless if it’s as minor a delay as getting out of bed, finishing a meal or ending a pleasurable habit. It’s not that procrastination is all bad because sometimes it allows us time to reflect, meditate or think a situation through. However, procrastination is when we allow it to block our happiness and basic joys of life.
As a natural caregiver, Capricorn, oldest of five and mediator between two very dysfunctional parents, it has always been my job to rescue, console and bring peace to any situation. Well, even steel gets a dent when it is constantly hit in the same place all of the time. There were two points of confirmation for me that I no longer should or spiritually could manage the craziness others insisted on repeating in their own lives. First, I was verbally insulted in front of a room full of people. I was used as an example and it was hurtful. Not because I’m perfect, but later when asked why (by someone else who said it was unnecessary) the violator said they did it because they “could”. I was a friendly person who ‘would take it with a smile’ Secondly, a friend of mine who continues on a self-destructive path created even more drama in their life called me for the fourth time that day with some other ‘issue’ that others were of course responsible for. During the rant, the friend informed me that their relatives said that they were tired of them being so negative and why didn’t they just make better decisions. Friend answered, “Well, Dia never gets tired of me complaining and doesn’t care how much I dump on her and she has five kids and a full time job”.
Shortly after these two recent events I begin to reflect that as far back as I could remember, I was either the sounding board to non-supportive ‘friends’, the backbone to weak men, the enabler of family members who had little respect or appreciation for any of my efforts or the one at the job that could ‘just get it done’. At the tender ol’ age of 40 I am tired. I am tired of picking up the pieces of those that wish to continuously shatter their lives by REPEATING actions that have only had ghastly results then look at you like you’re crazy when you don’t want to help out yet again. I am not Jesus, I cannot save you. I am not the Universe I cannot encompass all things and still have some shine left. I am a vessel, made of flesh and blood and sometimes I get empty. It is up to me to refill myself. I do this with the love and laughter of my children, the kindness and love of my husband, the joy of my real friends, the pleasure of a job well done at the end of the day, a great pair of shoes, prayer & meditation, a good book and music.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind consoling a friend or allowing someone to vent. Heck, I have to do it sometimes myself. But for all of those that have or will try to drag me down with their unpleasant selfishness, I have nothing to offer but a smile. Despite all of the darkness I have endured and the thorny path I walked along to get to this not-yet-final destination of serenity….I still shine!
